This post was written in August and never published. I saved it in draft form. I felt better just writing it and just left it alone. Then a couple of weeks ago blogger went crazy and posted it. Well, I'm officially posting it now. Enjoy!
Hi! So your texting me from Diabetes Camp and your accusing me of not showing enough emotion with regards to your diabetes diagnosis. And...you are 100% right! Yes, you are reading this correctly...you are 100% right.
First off, I apologize. I'm not a very emotional person. You won't see me cry often and when I do I'm usually so irate that's what happens. I'm a "let's deal with the situation, look at it, see what our options are and then fix it". I can't fix you, your sister or your brother. As much as I wish I could... I CAN'T. As a Mom I can't stand the fact that I can't make it better. So what I do to cope is get involved. I'm pretty sure I drive all of you crazy with my busy volunteer schedule of all things JDRF, promoting Blue Heels, and the Hemophilia community, advocating, blogging, reaching out to people. But it makes me feel as if I'm doing something for you, your sister and your brother. I'm a fighter. I will NOT curl into a ball and cry myself silly. It does nothing for me or any of you except give me a puffy face, clogged nose and huge headache! That's why I do all those things to raise awareness for both diseases! I'm actively involved and dragging you all in this so that maybe you will learn something or at least try to make a difference to someone. It's the only way I can function. Knowing that I will NOT go down without trying my hardest to fight against diabetes and hemophilia.
Secondly, I'll probably get a little sappy here. Here is a little secret...when we met with your Endo, in December, and she's telling me your going to be diabetic, you know what I did?? I prayed. I prayed hard. And my prayer was, "God, if Evy is going to get diabetes, let it be while she is under our roof. Let me get her foundation of care set before she leaves the house". And darn it if He didn't listen. I'm humbled by that. Really. He listened to me. How do I deal with that? I don't have a clue. (Here comes the emotional part, ready?) I feel a million different things. ANGER, HATE, BROKEN HEARTED,FRUSTRATED, DEPRESSED, WORRIED, GUILTY, JEALOUS, GRATEFUL, CALM, CONTENT, BLESSED and so much more. My heart has been broken with each diagnosis I received for all three of you. A little bit of me died those days. To have had three healthy kids that now have to deal with life threatening diseases is more than I can bear to think about. The fact that I have to worry each morning if all three of you will wake up to enjoy another day is something I worry about daily. I HATE this disease...I hate ALL diseases. I so wish I didn't have a care in the world. That you could eat all day long without checking your blood sugar or giving yourself insulin. Or every fall, bump or bruise your brother gets isn't a possible trip to the ER for his medicine. I am jealous of those parents who take their kids health for granted. When a parent tells me how bad their week was because they lost their iPad, dropped their camera in the ocean and then came home to their second refrigerator not working all I can do is shake my head. I would LOVE to have their version of a bad week. I worry about your future. Dealing with diabetes during college, marriage, pregnancy, just all of it!!
But I also need to share with you why I feel grateful, calm and content (the good things). I feel that we are a closer family because of this. I feel that any one of you kids would help the other with anything. Especially in regards to their treatments of high/low blood sugar, feeling bad, injuries, etc. It has made you more aware of other people and their disabilities. You have a wonderful gift in being able to see a person and not what's "wrong" with them. In all the craziness that goes on at home I feel calm. I know that sounds weird. But at the end of the day when everybody is sound asleep and I'm blogging away; I feel calm we made it through another day! I really feel blessed. Evy, things could be so much worse. For all the worry I feel, and the ups and downs that diabetes has, I know you'll be okay. We are blessed with a house, jobs, insurance and life saving medicine. No, we don't have a fancy house, cars or clothes but we have INSULIN!!
Bottom line, I LOVE you!! I'm sorry I don't show the kind of emotions that you want me to show you. I fight hard and love fierce and would kill for you. If you are ever in doubt please read this letter over and over again. I hope that one day you will understand what I do and why I do it. Until then I'll just keep doing what I'm doing for all three of you.
Love you with all my heart,
Mom
